This poem was written by my friend's aunt. I give all credit to her. It's really beautiful though, totally worth the read.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in tighter
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last day
I would be there to share your day
Well, I'm sure you'll have so many more
So I can let just this one slip away
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight
And we always get a second chance
to make everything right
But just in case I might be wrong
and today is all I get
I'd like to say, "How much I love You"
And I hope we never forget.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow
why not do it today
For if tomorrow never comes
You'll surely regret the day
That you didn't take the extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
And you were too busy to grant someone
what turned out to be their one last wish
Take time to say, "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me"
"Thank you" or "It's Okay,"
And if tomorrow never comes
You'll have no regrets about today
-Veronica Leuato'ivao Vae-Hunkin
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
So Alone
I'm surrounded by a sea of people, and yet I feel so alone. How can that be possible?
I've been struggling a lot lately. I'm taking three AP classes and pre-calculus or math anaylsis, whichever is the familiar term. Those three classes plus Spanish II have been making me really strained for time. So much so that I haven't been able to hang out with my friends a lot. I'm not sure if it's the loneliness or the isolation from society in general, but I feel empty. Then, to make things worse. I keep screwing up. No matter what I do, nothing goes the right way. My grades, my family life, my social life... Everything.
I can't even write a blog. Ugh... If suicide wasn't a sin punishable by eternal life in hell, I think suicide would sound real nice for a while. I could really use some mercy. Some hope. Some light. Some understanding...
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy
I've been struggling a lot lately. I'm taking three AP classes and pre-calculus or math anaylsis, whichever is the familiar term. Those three classes plus Spanish II have been making me really strained for time. So much so that I haven't been able to hang out with my friends a lot. I'm not sure if it's the loneliness or the isolation from society in general, but I feel empty. Then, to make things worse. I keep screwing up. No matter what I do, nothing goes the right way. My grades, my family life, my social life... Everything.
I can't even write a blog. Ugh... If suicide wasn't a sin punishable by eternal life in hell, I think suicide would sound real nice for a while. I could really use some mercy. Some hope. Some light. Some understanding...
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Everyday Gets Harder
As I walk down the halls of my school, I have to wonder, "What is it that I work so hard for? Why do I push myself so far towards the edge?"
The purpose, the goal, the dream, it's all become so distant from me.
My drive is running low, the reasons for which I ran so hard in this race seem to be coming to a halt.
I don't remember why I tried so hard, and my body is failing me.
The fortress, the one thing in my life that shouldn't be failing me is failing me.
I thought my body was like steel, titanium, what other metal or substance there is that is strong, unscratchable.
I'm coming to the sad realization that my body isn't that strong; I gave myself too much credit.
While living my short life, I've come to see that I screwed up. Not an ursa minor screw up either, no... This is an ursa major screw up. It isn't something I can fix with a simple, "I'm sorry," or "My bad," anymore. It's one of those big problems, the kind that accumulate throughout the years and explode all in one moment only to turn into a black hole. I'm tearing myself down inside, slowly, painfully, but surely. I can't change that, or stop it. I can't help it. I find myself hating who I am every day. I can't stand to be around people, I can't stand the sight of other people being happy. What I once was is lost, and for some reason, I can't find that person.
I'm a stranger to myself, nothing more and nothing less. There seems to be no light at the end of my tunnel... It's almost as if the tunnel's exit caved in and left me in the darkness. The road behind me has been overgrown with weeds and shrubbery so thick that going back isn't an option, but going forward isn't an option either. I'm hitting rock bottom, but everytime I think I've hit rock bottom, there's another bottom, then another, and then another. It's an endless tunnel of darkness, I'm being sucked into this abyss, this opaque space in time. I'm being sucked into this black hole, taken apart little by little until there is nothing more of me.
I feel without hope, tell me, show me, help me.
This is my cry for help, my plea for mercy, my beg for life. Something no one will ever see. No one but me.
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy
The purpose, the goal, the dream, it's all become so distant from me.
My drive is running low, the reasons for which I ran so hard in this race seem to be coming to a halt.
I don't remember why I tried so hard, and my body is failing me.
The fortress, the one thing in my life that shouldn't be failing me is failing me.
I thought my body was like steel, titanium, what other metal or substance there is that is strong, unscratchable.
I'm coming to the sad realization that my body isn't that strong; I gave myself too much credit.
While living my short life, I've come to see that I screwed up. Not an ursa minor screw up either, no... This is an ursa major screw up. It isn't something I can fix with a simple, "I'm sorry," or "My bad," anymore. It's one of those big problems, the kind that accumulate throughout the years and explode all in one moment only to turn into a black hole. I'm tearing myself down inside, slowly, painfully, but surely. I can't change that, or stop it. I can't help it. I find myself hating who I am every day. I can't stand to be around people, I can't stand the sight of other people being happy. What I once was is lost, and for some reason, I can't find that person.
I'm a stranger to myself, nothing more and nothing less. There seems to be no light at the end of my tunnel... It's almost as if the tunnel's exit caved in and left me in the darkness. The road behind me has been overgrown with weeds and shrubbery so thick that going back isn't an option, but going forward isn't an option either. I'm hitting rock bottom, but everytime I think I've hit rock bottom, there's another bottom, then another, and then another. It's an endless tunnel of darkness, I'm being sucked into this abyss, this opaque space in time. I'm being sucked into this black hole, taken apart little by little until there is nothing more of me.
I feel without hope, tell me, show me, help me.
This is my cry for help, my plea for mercy, my beg for life. Something no one will ever see. No one but me.
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Toodles 2010, Hello 2011
I'm late, its the 5th of January and yet here I sit writing now!
Its not like anyone ever reads this blog though, so I'm going to assume its okay. And if you just happened to be reading this, then I'm so sorry!
2010 was filled with all kinds of good and bad memories, some I would like ot forget, and some that I would like to cherish forever. I'll probably still remember the memories I want to forget though, just because in each memory there was a lesson to learned. I learned the lesson in most cases I think...
I had huge ups and downs in 2010, and I think that made me stronger. Being sixteen doesn't make life any easier, and having the classes I do doesn't make being sixteen any easier. But what can a girl do? Its not like someone's going to come, be rich, handsome, and perfect, whisk me off my feet, take me and marry me, and let me live a life of comfort forever! I have to strive towards all that wonderful stuff! And so I did, I ran like a crazy woman during 2010 getting my life "together".
I know now that last year was a disaster though. It was successful in a way that I learned a lot and realized a lot about myself, but the methods I used to go about learning these lessons were none too pleasant. Still, I learned, and to me that counts as something. Maybe not a BIG something, but a something none-the-less!
2011 stared on a rough foot though, the guy I liked moved on the 2nd. I fell and hit my bum on the ice and got a bruise and pain so bad that my father had to carry me home. Interesting yes? Then I realized I hadn't done a ton of homework and school started on the 3rd! Life is just blissful yes? I had a stumble-start this year... But I'm pretty sure things will get better; they normally do.
And so here's to a farwell to 2010, and a warm welcome to 2011. Let this be a year full of joyous memories, lessons that aren't too painful, and everlasting love and friendship!
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy
Its not like anyone ever reads this blog though, so I'm going to assume its okay. And if you just happened to be reading this, then I'm so sorry!
2010 was filled with all kinds of good and bad memories, some I would like ot forget, and some that I would like to cherish forever. I'll probably still remember the memories I want to forget though, just because in each memory there was a lesson to learned. I learned the lesson in most cases I think...
I had huge ups and downs in 2010, and I think that made me stronger. Being sixteen doesn't make life any easier, and having the classes I do doesn't make being sixteen any easier. But what can a girl do? Its not like someone's going to come, be rich, handsome, and perfect, whisk me off my feet, take me and marry me, and let me live a life of comfort forever! I have to strive towards all that wonderful stuff! And so I did, I ran like a crazy woman during 2010 getting my life "together".
I know now that last year was a disaster though. It was successful in a way that I learned a lot and realized a lot about myself, but the methods I used to go about learning these lessons were none too pleasant. Still, I learned, and to me that counts as something. Maybe not a BIG something, but a something none-the-less!
2011 stared on a rough foot though, the guy I liked moved on the 2nd. I fell and hit my bum on the ice and got a bruise and pain so bad that my father had to carry me home. Interesting yes? Then I realized I hadn't done a ton of homework and school started on the 3rd! Life is just blissful yes? I had a stumble-start this year... But I'm pretty sure things will get better; they normally do.
And so here's to a farwell to 2010, and a warm welcome to 2011. Let this be a year full of joyous memories, lessons that aren't too painful, and everlasting love and friendship!
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Depression, My Best Friend
I just lost a friend. But there's no surprise there.
I'm so tired and lost. I want a new life. I want a new me. I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want. Maybe that's my problem. I want too much, I don't give enough, and I'm a bitch.
Just now, not only did I piss off my parents causing the distance between them to grow larger, but I lost my best friend. My go-to person, my helper, my angel with horns. My life is falling apart as I speak. My grades are dropping like bombs on hiroshima, my life is a fragile glass of wine that has a crack in it, a crach that's growing too big.
I feel like an amorphous blob. No way to go, no definite shape, no
fuck it.
i dont eve nwanna write tonight.
i just wanna go shrivel up and die somewhere.
life would be better in hell. i can already see it.
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy.
I'm so tired and lost. I want a new life. I want a new me. I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want. Maybe that's my problem. I want too much, I don't give enough, and I'm a bitch.
Just now, not only did I piss off my parents causing the distance between them to grow larger, but I lost my best friend. My go-to person, my helper, my angel with horns. My life is falling apart as I speak. My grades are dropping like bombs on hiroshima, my life is a fragile glass of wine that has a crack in it, a crach that's growing too big.
I feel like an amorphous blob. No way to go, no definite shape, no
fuck it.
i dont eve nwanna write tonight.
i just wanna go shrivel up and die somewhere.
life would be better in hell. i can already see it.
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Falling From Grace
I am falling from grace,
I no longer know...
Who I am,
Who I want to be,
Who others see me to be,
How I've lived so long,
Why I'm still alive,
Why I'm living here,
Why they're my friends,
Why I feel so empty,
Why I feel so lost,
Who I love,
Who I love,
Who loves me,
Who I believe,
Who I trust,
Who I respect,
Who I need to know,
Who I thought I knew.
All I know for sure,
Is that I'm falling from grace.
Falling faster than the speed of light.
I'm falling so fast that no one can catch me.
I'm falling so fast that I can't see their faces...
The faces of the people who are true to me.
The faces of the people who are trying to catch me.
The faces of the people who are trying to catch me.
The faces of the people who are trying to stop me.
The ones who really care.
But does it really matter?
Does it really make a difference?
Will knowing who they are actually change something?
Or will it hurt me more?
Knowing that the people who I thought would save me,
Don't care enough to even bat an eyelash.
Cruel is the life I live,
as I fall from grace.
The Asian Teen,
Kimmy
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