Falling From Grace

I am falling from grace,

I no longer know...

Who I am,

Who I want to be,

Who others see me to be,

How I've lived so long,

Why I'm still alive,

Why I'm living here,

Why they're my friends,

Why I feel so empty,

Why I feel so lost,
Who I love,

Who loves me,

Who I believe,

Who I trust,

Who I respect,

Who I need to know,

Who I thought I knew.

All I know for sure,

Is that I'm falling from grace.

Falling faster than the speed of light.

I'm falling so fast that no one can catch me.

I'm falling so fast that I can't see their faces...

The faces of the people who are true to me.
The faces of the people who are trying to catch me.

The faces of the people who are trying to stop me.

The ones who really care.

But does it really matter?

Does it really make a difference?

Will knowing who they are actually change something?

Or will it hurt me more?

Knowing that the people who I thought would save me,

Don't care enough to even bat an eyelash.

Cruel is the life I live,

as I fall from grace.



The Asian Teen,

Kimmy

Ghost

What's left of me is a ghost of who I used to be.

I'm crying as I write this because of self pity? Remorse?

There's no reason to be crying... And yet my heart doesn't believe me.

I repeat these words to myself over and over again but nothing happens.

I'm a ghost who fears being forgotten, who fears goodbyes, who fears herself.

All around me all I see are people who say one thing but think another.

I come to wonder if anyone I know is true to me, honest, pure.

I'm not without sin or without error myself, but sometimes I wonder.

I used to be so confident and strong, and now I'm a baby,

crying all by myself feeling bad for myself because no one else will,

no one else will feel bad for me, because they're all having too much fun.

I feel isolated and without a path to go about following.

I was fine, lonely, isolated, but okay, without a tear in my eye.

I work like an ox on a field with a plow attached to its back,

hoping that by giving myself little room to think I won't feel the pain.

I thought that working myself harder than ever would make me numb.

Up till now, I thought I was a part of a group, belonging and loved.

Now I know differently; I was nothing but something to laugh about to them.

This is my fault though, no one but my own damn fault.

Kimmy

Too good to not share.

My friend posted this as her status on fb and i had to share it.



Love who you are.



Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say:


"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"


"Winners make things happen. Losers let things happen."

-Ebony Mikle



Kimmy <3

True Love?

I've been thinking a lot about lovely lately. And, it's funny, but this long line of thought started with a simple Korean soap opera, or, as we call it in Korea, a drama. It's called Playful Kiss (that's a rough translation), and the storyline is about this girl who's not smart, not beautiful, not tall, not athletic, and is most definitely not rich. She falls in love with this guy her freshman year of high school and this guy, he's perfect: smart, tall, athletic, good looking, rich, you name all the positive things and he's it.

Well, anyhow, the story goes on where this girl is madly in love with this guy, and by some mishap their fathers are like best friends. When an earthquake takes down the girl's house the guy's parents are like OMG THAT'S YOUR OLD FRIEND!! And the two families end up living together. Now, to the girl this is like heaven and to the boy, its not that great. They get to know each others through fighting and arguing, but I think its also through this that they get closer and soon both fall in love with each others. Just, the problem is, the guy doesn't tell the girl, and instead he's a butt towards her. Then to make matters worse, another gal comes into the picture, she's like a duplicate of the guy just in a girl version. The main girl, she's worried and after a while it seems like the perfect two are gonna get married because the guy's father's company needs money and the duplicate girl's grand daddy is the funder etc. Well in the end, the main girl and the guy fall totally for each others and they get married, she straightens out her bad study habits and gets a degree in nursing and all is good.

How does this lead to the provocative thinking of love on my part? Well, my life somewhat reflects this, just, not exactly. I've been having a lot of bull crap views on love and bad stories of love. And, its funny, but now... I think I like one of my best guy friends. FML x100. Why the FML? Because, he's smart, he's athletic, he's got his charm, and he's just too good for me. To make matters worse, it seems that everyone else likes him too, FML! And, to make the already horrible conditions worse, one of my closer friends thinks she might like this guy so there goes all sense of hope.

It sucks because now it'll have to all stay in my heart, my emotions I mean. And I guess I can't complain seeing as I have known him for quite some time now, but one can't help but to feel some regret? GR! Curse these stupid emotions, man, sometimes I wonder what life would be if I didn't get special feelings like this. But then, I wouldn't feel the joys of love and such so eh, I guess these emotions are all worth it in the end. I think.

But yeah, bottom line, love... I know I feel something for my friend, but I'm almost 90% sure that he feels nothing special for me, which is pretty sad. Still, when I think about it, even if he did have special feelings for me, I think I'd be too afraid to act because I don't want to ruin the friendship I have with him. He's my pillar of strength and he keeps me from falling and letting the world around me crash down. I guess its better to keep him as my bestie than it is to have him as my significant other, but one can't help but to wonder, no?

Oh well, that's life I guess, confusion, wonder, GR!

The Asian Teen,

Kimmy