Everyday Gets Harder

As I walk down the halls of my school, I have to wonder, "What is it that I work so hard for? Why do I push myself so far towards the edge?"
The purpose, the goal, the dream, it's all become so distant from me.
My drive is running low, the reasons for which I ran so hard in this race seem to be coming to a halt.
I don't remember why I tried so hard, and my body is failing me.
The fortress, the one thing in my life that shouldn't be failing me is failing me.
I thought my body was like steel, titanium, what other metal or substance there is that is strong, unscratchable.
I'm coming to the sad realization that my body isn't that strong; I gave myself too much credit.

While living my short life, I've come to see that I screwed up. Not an ursa minor screw up either, no... This is an ursa major screw up. It isn't something I can fix with a simple, "I'm sorry," or "My bad," anymore. It's one of those big problems, the kind that accumulate throughout the years and explode all in one moment only to turn into a black hole. I'm tearing myself down inside, slowly, painfully, but surely. I can't change that, or stop it. I can't help it. I find myself hating who I am every day. I can't stand to be around people, I can't stand the sight of other people being happy. What I once was is lost, and for some reason, I can't find that person.

I'm a stranger to myself, nothing more and nothing less. There seems to be no light at the end of my tunnel... It's almost as if the tunnel's exit caved in and left me in the darkness. The road behind me has been overgrown with weeds and shrubbery so thick that going back isn't an option, but going forward isn't an option either. I'm hitting rock bottom, but everytime I think I've hit rock bottom, there's another bottom, then another, and then another. It's an endless tunnel of darkness, I'm being sucked into this abyss, this opaque space in time. I'm being sucked into this black hole, taken apart little by little until there is nothing more of me.

I feel without hope, tell me, show me, help me.

This is my cry for help, my plea for mercy, my beg for life. Something no one will ever see. No one but me.

The Asian Teen,

Kimmy